Miscarriage…..reminders from God

This post is just pure honesty. I’m not sure what you will think or even if you will understand. However, I am inspired by a friend to share my emotions and story with you. My friend had several miscarriages and was open with people about how she was really feeling. This was huge for me! I saw her story help comfort other people. It helped others know they weren’t alone and she could grieve with them. When I have had miscarriages, I was very closed off because:

*  it was so painful

*  it just kept happening over  and over

*  I felt like it was private

*  it created awkwardness in conversations

*  people would say things that hurt (you’ll get pregnant again)

*  and it just hurt to talk about it.

I felt like in the beginning of my journey I was alone with God. It was important for me to stay positive in these stages of loss.  So, I prayed continuously and read scripture. But I was missing that connection with people to connect about what I was experiencing. It started to form bitterness and jealousy. And then….it happened!!! A precious women at church had the same idea and created a very needed group that has been such an encouragement for me. The name of the small group is Hopeful Hearts. It is not a place to be overwhelmed by negative stories but a place for restoration, encouragement, and scripture to hold onto. These women understood my deep emotional scars and were able to connect because of our similar journeys. No ones journey is the same but they all have some connecting paths.

This was my healing ground along with tears, daily prayer, scripture, and a husband that was there for me every time I cried in his arms.

I had people that I was sharing my story with in this group but I definitely wasn’t posting my miscarriages and feelings on Facebook. Again, I just felt very private about it. So, I’m stretching out of my comfort zone because if this could comfort one person, it is worth it. The healing that you can experience from sharing with each other is important in the process of healing. It is such a blessing to have encouragement from women who have experienced the same thing.

Last year this precious leader of our Hopeful Hearts group gave each of us a gift. It was  a plant that was very special. She wanted us to have a plant that would come back each year. We had all experienced so much loss that even a dying plant was depressing. So a plant that would give life and color each year sounded like an amazing gift. Except that I actually can’t keep plants alive. So, I was a little worried about this gift that was suppose to give life each year.

Until……

This week was the 3rd week we had been waiting on an approval answer from the orphanage. We are so close to getting our kids home….it is kind of like when you are finding out if you are pregnant or not. That is exciting for most but for me that brings extreme stress because the last 13 times we have been pregnant, we have experienced the loss of a child. So, without even knowing it, my emotions have been reminded of my babies that had strong heartbeats but I never got to meet. To be truthful….I’m just missing my babies. And then I came home to this beautiful blooming flower in my backyard…..yep….it lived…it came back!

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What a beautiful reminder from God that He has my babies with Him in a place more beautiful than I could imagine. This beautiful flower is also a reminder that God has a path for us. A plan that is greater than we could ever comprehend. His children are important and need love. He has chosen us to raise a set of siblings in Colombia. It is so unbelievable to see what God has already done to make this adoption happen. I can’t wait to see what He has in store for the rest of our lives. When the Lord your God sets a plan out for you ….run towards it!

God is with us reminding us everyday that there is hope for the future….just look around and see it.

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fan the flame and make me grow

When we had to put our adoption on hold it was difficult. I had built up so much excitement because things were moving along. However, through the wait I began realizing that it was for the best! I am a girl who loves check lists! I get things done! So, putting my paperwork checklist on hold was HARD and emotional. You see I have had A LOT of loss. Some things I think I have grieved and then it pops back up. So, putting the dream of my children coming home on hold was like a loss or disappointment but the best thing.

(seriously…I’m not just saying that)

During that time I gave all my attention to my husband, daughter and granddaughter. When your waiting for something you need to be careful you don’t forget the blessings in front of you! I also saw things that I needed to do like seeking God to know Him deeper. Like a friendship that needs more quality time. I also made time for Bible Studies, dug into scripture, read adoption books that are very thought-provoking and made sure I was making time for my marriage!

When it came time to start back up on the paperwork you would have thought I would have been jumping for this opportunity ! I knew the steps I needed to take but I just couldn’t do it. You can read more about the feelings to wait and the time to get back into the process HERE.

In some of the books that I was reading about children who have experienced loss I started to notice that I had some of those same fears. When I would get pregnant I would have hope for that sweet baby but also fear the worst because I had so many miscarriages. I have also noticed that with our grand baby I was fearing the worst. The books were saying that you can deal with your loss and grieve but there are still sometimes triggers. I can totally agree with this. I am in a very healthy place in my life when I talk about my miscarriages however, out of the blue something will remind me of one of the babies and I am just heartbroken. This also happens when I think about our children who are hurting daily because their family is broken.

So, fear is not of God so I have been saying these verses when I feel fearful!

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love,  and self-discipline.” ~2Timothy 1:7 NLT

“Do not give way to fear.” ~1Peter 3:6

Satan will use what works on you and I want to be joyful, confident, peaceful, and have wisdom with my family. So, it’s a choice every time I have a negative thought. Will I dwell in it or rebuke it. I am VERY excited about what God is doing in our lives. I can say that I love that he has given me time to prepare for our children who will be hurting when they come home. I have a deeper understanding of what is needed to help a child who has lost everything. I know I don’t have all the answers however, I believe that God will provide wisdom and will surround me with resources.

I also am not fearful because I know that if we share these things with our children, they will have hope for the future:

  • the healing power of Jesus Christ
  • the Father who can love them perfectly and will NEVER leave them
  • the knowledge and wisdom in scripture

I have an urgency about our life right now …..not sure what it means but I believe it will be a BIG change for our family. When I heard this song, it describes the fire I feel in my soul for our future! I am excited about the next step Christ has for us!

Please join our family in prayer as our adoption moves forward but also that we stay focused on Christ. We don’t want the adoption to consume us. We want to be open to the path Christ has for us. Pray against distractions and fear.

Sit Back and Relax

 

We can all identify with waiting. It happens all through life. When you are in the middle of it, it seems like forever! For instance, I am the best at picking out the longest check out line at the grocery store. I’m usually in a hurry and that is when the person in front of me needs a price check, forgets money, card is denied, coupons won’t work, or it’s the cashiers 1st day! All of these things happen and it’s normal. However, when you are watching, focusing on your plans for the day and can’t do anything about it…it just seems to happen in slow motion. Well, that is a silly little example that has happened to most of us. However, it can also be related to bigger things that we are waiting on.

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So many times in life we try to control circumstances or timing. However, if we just give it over to God we can sit back and relax. I would love to watch life happen and not worry about the outcome because God has the perfect plan. Yes, I know that requires us to get up and say yes to God. If we were  able to do these things without frustration or worry about running out of time or determining if we are on the path God wants for us, that would make things much more enjoyable! So, why is it so hard to give over control to God….live in faith…..have full trust that His plan is the best?

*Well, that is what I’m working on. I’m really trying to turn my focus on what the scripture says not what my time-table says. Scripture talks about our future, who we were created to be, and great tips on decision-making. This is not an easy thing but it is life changing!

I really notice that keeping a journal or blogging is important for me in order to focus on God’s blessings and promises. When I feel discouraged, I just have to pick up a journal or read old posts to remember that there are specific things God has done for us. I encourage everyone to keep some kind of record of your blessings. It is totally worth it!

This blog is a reminder of the things God has put in our path to show us He is right there  with us. Blessings are all around.

Paraphrase

I have recently started reading Breaking Free by Beth Moore. I have lots to say about this book because as usual it is in my life at just the right time! I love when God plants all kinds of things in your life to reinforce what he wants to teach you! Well, as I was reading today, she had me do this exercise that at first I wasn’t sure about. However, after doing this I had to share how helpful this was! I have heard and tried putting my name in scripture and applying it to me. That is a great thing ! But this was a twist I had never heard of. The scripture she was teaching about was:

Philippians 4:6-7  “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

So she challenged the reader to paraphrase the passage from a negative standpoint. This at first just seemed wrong! However, after starting the process….I can say …..TRY IT!

*It really makes you think about the scripture and what it means.

*It forces you to think about if you are living the scripture.

So, here is my negative version of Philippians 4:6-7

Worry about the details of anything and everything, by dwelling on it constantly and focusing on how it is not fair, with emotions like jealousy, anger, idolatry, or low self-esteem, present these thoughts to everyone except God. And the unsettling feelings will start to weaken your body and mind, making you question everything, leaving your heart unguarded and your mind to believe lies.

This is powerful to me. When you look at these words, I think……I don’t want any of that! I want peace! So, many times in a hard situation I start turning to this negative paraphrase instead of the comforting scripture. This is powerful to me because I can easily look at this and make the decision to choose to take my emotions to God and choose peace.

I am so thankful for the new things I learn from people! Thank you Beth Moore!