Miscarriage…..reminders from God

This post is just pure honesty. I’m not sure what you will think or even if you will understand. However, I am inspired by a friend to share my emotions and story with you. My friend had several miscarriages and was open with people about how she was really feeling. This was huge for me! I saw her story help comfort other people. It helped others know they weren’t alone and she could grieve with them. When I have had miscarriages, I was very closed off because:

*  it was so painful

*  it just kept happening over  and over

*  I felt like it was private

*  it created awkwardness in conversations

*  people would say things that hurt (you’ll get pregnant again)

*  and it just hurt to talk about it.

I felt like in the beginning of my journey I was alone with God. It was important for me to stay positive in these stages of loss.  So, I prayed continuously and read scripture. But I was missing that connection with people to connect about what I was experiencing. It started to form bitterness and jealousy. And then….it happened!!! A precious women at church had the same idea and created a very needed group that has been such an encouragement for me. The name of the small group is Hopeful Hearts. It is not a place to be overwhelmed by negative stories but a place for restoration, encouragement, and scripture to hold onto. These women understood my deep emotional scars and were able to connect because of our similar journeys. No ones journey is the same but they all have some connecting paths.

This was my healing ground along with tears, daily prayer, scripture, and a husband that was there for me every time I cried in his arms.

I had people that I was sharing my story with in this group but I definitely wasn’t posting my miscarriages and feelings on Facebook. Again, I just felt very private about it. So, I’m stretching out of my comfort zone because if this could comfort one person, it is worth it. The healing that you can experience from sharing with each other is important in the process of healing. It is such a blessing to have encouragement from women who have experienced the same thing.

Last year this precious leader of our Hopeful Hearts group gave each of us a gift. It was  a plant that was very special. She wanted us to have a plant that would come back each year. We had all experienced so much loss that even a dying plant was depressing. So a plant that would give life and color each year sounded like an amazing gift. Except that I actually can’t keep plants alive. So, I was a little worried about this gift that was suppose to give life each year.

Until……

This week was the 3rd week we had been waiting on an approval answer from the orphanage. We are so close to getting our kids home….it is kind of like when you are finding out if you are pregnant or not. That is exciting for most but for me that brings extreme stress because the last 13 times we have been pregnant, we have experienced the loss of a child. So, without even knowing it, my emotions have been reminded of my babies that had strong heartbeats but I never got to meet. To be truthful….I’m just missing my babies. And then I came home to this beautiful blooming flower in my backyard…..yep….it lived…it came back!

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What a beautiful reminder from God that He has my babies with Him in a place more beautiful than I could imagine. This beautiful flower is also a reminder that God has a path for us. A plan that is greater than we could ever comprehend. His children are important and need love. He has chosen us to raise a set of siblings in Colombia. It is so unbelievable to see what God has already done to make this adoption happen. I can’t wait to see what He has in store for the rest of our lives. When the Lord your God sets a plan out for you ….run towards it!

God is with us reminding us everyday that there is hope for the future….just look around and see it.

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Held

I have been surrounded by amazing people! I am constantly reminded that God is there through the trials we have in life. Sometimes He doesn’t take the situation away but He will hold you and encourage you through it if you listen. Satan has taken so many things from my family and friends however, God promises blessings and plans for our life that we couldn’t even imagine! I have friends who have had to bury their child or husband and they encourage me with their confidence that GOD is faithful! It is ok to tell God that you are hurt or angry. He wants you to be real. I have found that when I let my feelings out and listen to Him, I am overwhelmed with joy. It might not be the hop up and down kind of joy but that joy you feel when someone you love embraces you.
So, when I busted out my CD’s the other day….yes I said CD’s. There was this song that has always encouraged me when I was feeling down. I was just reminded yet again that if you allow Jesus to just embrace you He will. Your situation might be too big to see any light right now, but hang in there and look for the little joys in life.

This Natalie Grant: Held

fan the flame and make me grow

When we had to put our adoption on hold it was difficult. I had built up so much excitement because things were moving along. However, through the wait I began realizing that it was for the best! I am a girl who loves check lists! I get things done! So, putting my paperwork checklist on hold was HARD and emotional. You see I have had A LOT of loss. Some things I think I have grieved and then it pops back up. So, putting the dream of my children coming home on hold was like a loss or disappointment but the best thing.

(seriously…I’m not just saying that)

During that time I gave all my attention to my husband, daughter and granddaughter. When your waiting for something you need to be careful you don’t forget the blessings in front of you! I also saw things that I needed to do like seeking God to know Him deeper. Like a friendship that needs more quality time. I also made time for Bible Studies, dug into scripture, read adoption books that are very thought-provoking and made sure I was making time for my marriage!

When it came time to start back up on the paperwork you would have thought I would have been jumping for this opportunity ! I knew the steps I needed to take but I just couldn’t do it. You can read more about the feelings to wait and the time to get back into the process HERE.

In some of the books that I was reading about children who have experienced loss I started to notice that I had some of those same fears. When I would get pregnant I would have hope for that sweet baby but also fear the worst because I had so many miscarriages. I have also noticed that with our grand baby I was fearing the worst. The books were saying that you can deal with your loss and grieve but there are still sometimes triggers. I can totally agree with this. I am in a very healthy place in my life when I talk about my miscarriages however, out of the blue something will remind me of one of the babies and I am just heartbroken. This also happens when I think about our children who are hurting daily because their family is broken.

So, fear is not of God so I have been saying these verses when I feel fearful!

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love,  and self-discipline.” ~2Timothy 1:7 NLT

“Do not give way to fear.” ~1Peter 3:6

Satan will use what works on you and I want to be joyful, confident, peaceful, and have wisdom with my family. So, it’s a choice every time I have a negative thought. Will I dwell in it or rebuke it. I am VERY excited about what God is doing in our lives. I can say that I love that he has given me time to prepare for our children who will be hurting when they come home. I have a deeper understanding of what is needed to help a child who has lost everything. I know I don’t have all the answers however, I believe that God will provide wisdom and will surround me with resources.

I also am not fearful because I know that if we share these things with our children, they will have hope for the future:

  • the healing power of Jesus Christ
  • the Father who can love them perfectly and will NEVER leave them
  • the knowledge and wisdom in scripture

I have an urgency about our life right now …..not sure what it means but I believe it will be a BIG change for our family. When I heard this song, it describes the fire I feel in my soul for our future! I am excited about the next step Christ has for us!

Please join our family in prayer as our adoption moves forward but also that we stay focused on Christ. We don’t want the adoption to consume us. We want to be open to the path Christ has for us. Pray against distractions and fear.

College Bound

Here I am VERY excited to attend a ceremony to watch my beautiful daughter graduate High School!

CLASS of 2014!!!!

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Graduation is such a special celebration for families! As I look back at the path I followed, this graduation just couldn’t make me prouder! I was a young mom….no I don’t recommend this path for anyone!!!! (it’s HARD!!!!)  However, I am here to tell you that if you find a friend going through this or you are a young mom, there is a great and exciting path in front of you! Never give up and keep positive people around you! My daughter graduated this year and I’m so excited to see what the future holds for her. She has big goals and is very determined!

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She just loves her mom’s kisses!

It's official!

It’s official!

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These are my parents that NEVER gave up on me! They are here to celebrate!

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This was the cute dress under the Cap and Gown! She is my little fashionista!

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My girls!!!!

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She surprised us with a grandchild this year and brought a lot of mixed emotions with it. Going through this myself, it brought back some of the feelings I had when I was in High School. After prayer and conversations with her, we chose to enjoy every minute of this blessing God has given our family. It was hard at first because those earthly emotions come over you and it would have been easy to be negative towards this situation. I was heart-broken for her to have to go through this hard journey and was also  sad that we had to put our adoption on hold. But those are the feelings that we should not cling too. Satan will take some beautiful things in your life and tell you that they are negative. Making you miss out on the most precious parts of your life. If you look at it from God’s perspective you will see the beauty in the unexpected turns life takes. When we chose joy it made our world turn around. I can’t express the blessings we have had since then. Our daughter is absolutely an amazing mom and our granddaughter makes us smile every single day!

So, today is my 3rd day of summer break and I have the most awesome opportunity! I get to babysit my granddaughter two days a week while my daughter goes to college!! We are going to have so much fun! And my daughter is beyond excited to start college. Actually she just called me on her break and couldn’t stop talking about how she loves class! I love seeing God work His plan. When I look at my path I see the times that I have fallen and not understood what was happening. However; I also look back and see miracles happening and things I just couldn’t see when I was right in the middle of them. When you choose to take the positive road, your life will have some unbelievable surprises. Love the ones around you …even if it is hard! My parents never gave up on me and I will never give up on my daughter!

Sit Back and Relax

 

We can all identify with waiting. It happens all through life. When you are in the middle of it, it seems like forever! For instance, I am the best at picking out the longest check out line at the grocery store. I’m usually in a hurry and that is when the person in front of me needs a price check, forgets money, card is denied, coupons won’t work, or it’s the cashiers 1st day! All of these things happen and it’s normal. However, when you are watching, focusing on your plans for the day and can’t do anything about it…it just seems to happen in slow motion. Well, that is a silly little example that has happened to most of us. However, it can also be related to bigger things that we are waiting on.

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So many times in life we try to control circumstances or timing. However, if we just give it over to God we can sit back and relax. I would love to watch life happen and not worry about the outcome because God has the perfect plan. Yes, I know that requires us to get up and say yes to God. If we were  able to do these things without frustration or worry about running out of time or determining if we are on the path God wants for us, that would make things much more enjoyable! So, why is it so hard to give over control to God….live in faith…..have full trust that His plan is the best?

*Well, that is what I’m working on. I’m really trying to turn my focus on what the scripture says not what my time-table says. Scripture talks about our future, who we were created to be, and great tips on decision-making. This is not an easy thing but it is life changing!

I really notice that keeping a journal or blogging is important for me in order to focus on God’s blessings and promises. When I feel discouraged, I just have to pick up a journal or read old posts to remember that there are specific things God has done for us. I encourage everyone to keep some kind of record of your blessings. It is totally worth it!

This blog is a reminder of the things God has put in our path to show us He is right there  with us. Blessings are all around.

It’s time to break free

It has been a LONG couple of months. I know that Satan is testing me to see if I continually turn to God in my trials and guess what. …I am so happy to say I have been.  I got to a point that I was letting fear in and I kept telling God that I was trying to be so strong and positive.  That is when God told me that He is my strength. I immediately felt a peace. The struggles I was dealing with did not magically disapear but I walked through them with peace. What a blessing.
I go through life believing that there are no coincidences. God is always blessing and guiding you. I have been talking with some great belivers about my trials and they have had some great encouragement. Well, recently my girls small group recommended that we do a bible study that was titled Breaking Free. I am always up for a new Bible study, so I bought the book and got started! And of course it was the perfect book at just the right time.

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I am on a journey. I don’t have a perfect life but I am excited about my future!

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God’s visual reminders

I would like to share with you some really important people who God has put in my life. They are people who I can look at and see God’s mighty hand at work in. When I am struggling or feel defeated I can see these people and they always bring back the joy! I am so thankful God does this for us. He does this in so many ways. That is why for me blogging is so helpful. When you record your blessings it is so easy to see God at work in your life. But if I don’t keep track of these wonderful things in life, I sometimes lose track of the reminders God has for me. We have seen this so many times in the adoption process. I will get discouraged and then be reminded that we needed a certain amount of money for a fee and it was provided to us in the exact amount needed. So, basically what I’m saying is keep track of your blessings!
My prayer is always to increase our family and bring children hope for their future.

Here we go…Blessing #1
12 experiences with carrying a creation of God inside me. This is truly the most amazing ability God allows women to experience. One of those beautiful babies is now 18 and I smile every time I see what an amazing women she is becoming. Thank you God, for allowing me the chance to raise your beautiful creation. She has a good foundation,  high goals and a hope for her future!HPIM6445My other sweet babies bring joy to me when I think about how they never had to experience the struggles of Earth. Yes, I would have loved to see their sweet smiles but they only know the perfect place called Heaven. It just makes me smile when I think that my children are hanging out with God being taken care of perfectly. What a blessing to be reminded that my prayer was to increase our family and He has been so faithful.

Well, this next little guy was an answer to prayer that we didn’t even know we needed. He is not born genetically into our family but he is part of our family. Wow…he changed our life forever! He lived with us for 4 months and we attempted to adopt him. But God knew that reuniting with his mom was the perfect plan. When I think that we are not stepping in the right direction to give hope for the future, I look at this little boy. He is the reason we began the journey to reach out to children and bring hope for their future. Adoption started to churn in our hearts. We were able to build a relationship with him and his mom. This by far has been the most wonderful experience ever! We love them so much. So, thank you God for this reminder in this sweet boys smile that you are increasing our family and bringing hope for the future.

Love this boy!!!!

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This next blessing I had no idea would change my life forever! She is my precious granddaughter. When I hold her and watch her grow and smile, I just can’t help but thank God for another blessing and reminder. Her sweet presence is the reminder that our family is increasing and we have yet again another chance to spread hope for her future. I just can’t get enough of her sweet baby cheeks!

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My niece is the next person I want to share about how she visually reminds me everyday that God is right there with me everyday. She is my brothers first-born and such a special little girl. This little girl would have been a couple of weeks younger than one of our sweet boys that is now in Heaven. I thank God that he gave us a visual reminder of what stages our son would have been doing if we were here today. When she smiles and giggles it just brings so much joy! I know our son is doing the same things with the King of Kings! Pretty cool..huh! So, again…thank you Lord for the reminder that you are bringing hope for the future…this little girl has big plans for her future! Praise the Lord!

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Sometimes God just puts people in your path just for a season. Well, that’s how I met this next precious angel. God put a women in my path that was walking down the same path I was. We were trying to find answers about infertility. God knew we could encourage each other with scripture. This was truly a blessing to have when you are in a time of searching. So, this little baby was born to a wonderful family that is truly an inspiration. I pray for this little girl daily. And again, I thank God for this reminder that God is the creator and provider. He is the hope for the future.

1530468_633871321004_737388601_nBig families just make me smile! I am so blessed to have all of these children to call part of my family! Sometimes  we are focusing so much on God’s big plan that we  just lose sight of what is what is right in front of us.